Oh boy..this can't get any better than this! Blazing Saddles quotes are hilarious, wicked, mean, sharp, witty and tounge tickling. Although this western movie spoof is a little deterogatory to the great genre of western movie, but you can clearly see an aesthetic spirit of its makers in each aspect of the movie. They were planning to make comedy and they chose western movies to hit on....and they did hit it by george. Blazing Saddles was a kind of last blow to westerns, but yet it is much liked as a western comedy movie. It came out in an era when downfall of western cinema was obvious. John Wayne the Duke was almost retired (except for his last venture The Shootist in 1976) and there were other movie genres to represent the modern world better than western films. So spoofing was quite expected. But everyone who likes western comedies can't forget the Blazing Saddles quotes for sure. You have listened to them a many times, and still you can't get enough of them. So what are we waiting for ? Let's hop on this funny ride of quotes from Blazing Saddles, a masterpiece from Mel Brooks.
Hold it |
[the Johnsons load their guns and point them at Bart. Bart then points his own pistol at his head]
Bart: [low voice] Hold it! Next man makes a move, the nigger gets it!
Olson Johnson: Hold it, men. He's not bluffing.
Dr. Sam Johnson: Listen to him, men. He's just crazy enough to do it!
Bart: [low voice] Drop it! Or I swear I'll blow this nigger's head all over this town!
Bart: [high-pitched voice] Oh, lo'dy, lo'd, he's desp'it! Do what he say, do what he say!
[Townspeople drop their guns. Bart jams the gun into his neck and drags himself through the crowd towards the station]
Harriet Johnson: Isn't anybody going to help that poor man?
Dr. Sam Johnson: Hush, Harriet! That's a sure way to get him killed!
Bart: [high-pitched voice] Oooh! He'p me, he'p me! Somebody he'p me! He'p me! He'p me! He'p me!
Bart: [low voice] Shut up!
[Bart places his hand over his own mouth, then drags himself through the door into his office]
Bart: Ooh, baby, you are so talented!
[looks into the camera]
Bart: And they are so *dumb*!
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Hedley Lamarr: Repeat after me: I...
Men: I...
Hedley Lamarr: ...your name...
Men: ...your name...
Hedley Lamarr: [to himself] Shmucks.
[continues aloud]
Hedley Lamarr: ... do pledge allegiance...
Men: ...do pledge allegiance...
Hedley Lamarr: ...to Hedley Lamarr...
Men: ...to Hedy Lamarr...
Hedley Lamarr: That's *Hedley*(correcting)!
Men: That's Hedley.
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[Gabby Johnson sees the sheriff riding into town]
Gabby Johnson: Hey! The sheriff's a nig...
[church bell tolls]
Harriet Johnson: What did he say?
Dr. Sam Johnson: He said the sheriff's near.
Gabby Johnson: No, dagnabit! The sheriff is a nig...
[church bell tolls again] 
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Bart: Are we awake?
Jim: We're not sure. Are we... black?
Bart: Yes, we are.
Jim: Then we're awake... but we're very puzzled.
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[Jim downs a bottle of whiskey in one long guzzle]
Bart: A man drink like that and he don't eat, he is going to DIE.
Jim: [eagerly] When?
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Bart: Mornin', ma'am. And isn't it a lovely mornin'?
Elderly woman: Up yours, nigger.
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Bart: I better go check out this Mongo character.
[Bart reaches for his gun]
Jim: Oh no, don't do that, don't do that. If you shoot him, you'll just make him mad.
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[Bart, disguised as a Klansman, describes his qualifications as a villain]
Bart: Stampeding cattle.
Hedley Lamarr: That's not much of a crime.
Bart: Through the Vatican?
Hedley Lamarr: [smiling] Kinky. Sign here.
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Mongo: Mongo only pawn... in game of life.
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Jim: Uh-oh, Bart. I think Mongo here's taken a liking to you.
Mongo: Huh-huh, naw, Mongo straight.
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Taggart: I got it! I got it!
Hedley Lamarr: You do?
Taggart: We'll work up a Number 6 on 'em.
Hedley Lamarr: [frowns] I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that one.
Taggart: Well, that's where we go a-ridin' into town, a whampin' and whompin' every livin' thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the women folk, of course.
Hedley Lamarr: You spare the women?
Taggart: Naw! We rape the shit out of them at the Number 6 Dance later on.
Hedley Lamarr: Marvelous!
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Jim: [consoling Bart] What did you expect? "Welcome, sonny"? "Make yourself at home"? "Marry my daughter"? You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons.
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Hedley Lamarr: Meeting adjourned. Oh, I am sorry, sir, I didn't mean to overstep my bounds. You say that.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: What?
Hedley Lamarr: "Meeting is adjourned".
Governor William J. Le Petomane: It is?
Hedley Lamarr: No, you *say* that, Governor.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: What?
Hedley Lamarr: "Meeting is adjourned".
Governor William J. Le Petomane: It is?
Hedley Lamarr: [sighs, then gives the governor a paddleball] Here, sir, play with this.
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Lili Von Shtupp: Hello, cowboy. What's your name?
Tex: Tex, ma'am!
Lili Von Shtupp: "Texmam"? Tell me, Texmam, are you in show business?
Tex: Well, no...
Lilly von Schtupp: Then why don't you get your fwiggin' feet off the stage?
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Gabby Johnson: I wash born here, an I wash raished here, and dad gum it, I am gonna die here, an no sidewindin' bushwackin', hornswagglin' cracker croaker is gonna rouin me bishen cutter.
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[the railway crew discover quicksand up ahead, and one of them offers to ride up ahead to check it out]
Taggart: Horses? We can't afford to lose no horses. Send over a couple o' niggers.
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[Taggart spots Bart and Charlie on a hand-cart sinking into quicksand]
Taggart: Oh, shit. Quick.
[Lassos the hand-cart and drags it but not the men out of the quicksand]
Taggart: Dang, that was lucky. Doggone near lost a four hundred dollar handcart.
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Taggart: Send a wire to the main office and tell them I said...
[Bart whacks him with a shovel]
Taggart: OW!
Lyle: [writing] Send wire, main office, tell them I said "ow". Gotcha!
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[the Governor is having trouble putting his pen back into its holder]
Hedley Lamarr: Think of your secretary...
[the pen goes straight in]
Governor William J. Le Petomane: Thank you. That's a good one.
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Hedley Lamarr: My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.
Taggart: God darnit, Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.
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[Bart returns unexpectedly after being sentenced to death]
Charlie: They said you was hung.
Bart: And they was right.
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Howard Johnson: [reading] As honorary chairman of the welcoming committee, it's my privilege to present a laurel and hearty handshake to our new...
[looks up and sees Bart]
Howard Johnson: ...nigger.
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Bart: Well, Jim, since you are my guest and I am your host, what's your pleasure? What do you like to do?
Jim: I don't know. Play chess... screw...
Bart: [quickly] Let's play chess.
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Bart: [on grandstand to the townspeople] Excuse me while I whip this out.
[reaches into waistline as crowd gasps and screams; Bart pulls out paper, they sigh with relief]
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Townspeople: The town saloon was always lively / But never nasty or obscene / Behind the bar stood Anal Johnson / He always kept things nice and clean
[Emil Johnson is standing behind the bar washing a beer mug; he spits into the mug, belches, and continues to wipe the mug]
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Jim: Well, it got so that every piss-ant prairie punk who thought he could shoot a gun would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid. I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. It got pretty gritty. I started to hear the word "draw" in my sleep. Then one day, I was just walking down the street when I heard a voice behind me say, "Reach for it, mister!" I spun around... and there I was, face-to-face with a six-year old kid. Well, I just threw my guns down and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the ass. So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle, and I've been there ever since.
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Lili Von Shtupp: Tell me, schatze, is it twue what they say about the way you people are... gifted?
[sound of zipper opening]
Lili Von Shtupp: Oh, it's twue. It's twue. It's twue, it's twue!
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Lili Von Shtupp: Would you like another schnitzengruben?
Bart: No, thank you. Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben.
Lili Von Shtupp: Well, then how about a little...
[whispers in his ear]
Bart: Baby, please! I am not from Havana.
Lili Von Shtupp: Will I... see you again?
Bart: Well, it all depends on how much vitamin E I can get my hands on.
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[to two members of the KKK, while pretending to capture Bart]
Jim: Oh, boys! Lookee what I got heyuh.
Bart: Hey, where the white women at?
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Hedley Lamarr: Sign here.
[Bart reaches for the pen... revealing his black hands]
Jim: [quickly] Why, Rhett! How many times have I told you to wash up after weekly cross burning?
[licks his fingers, then rubs Bart's hand]
Jim: See, it's coming off.
[Taggart whips off Bart's hood]
Bart: And now, for my next impression... Jesse Owens.
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[Jim the Waco Kid has just shot the guns out of the hands of a dozen henchmen]
Bart: Well, don't just stand there looking stupid, grasping your hands in pain. How about a round of applause for The Waco Kid?
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Buddy Bizarre: What in the hell do you think you're doing here? This is a closed set.
Taggart: Piss on you! I'm working for Mel Brooks.
[winds up to punch Buddy]
Buddy Bizarre: Not in the face!
[Taggart punches Buddy in the stomach]
Buddy Bizarre: [collapsing] Thank you...
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Hedley Lamarr: Men, you are about to embark on a great crusade to stamp out runaway decency in the west. Now you men will only be risking your lives, whilst I will be risking an almost certain Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor.
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Jim: Another twenty-five years and you'll be able to shake their hands in broad daylight.
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Taggart: I hired you people to try to get a little track laid, not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots.
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Hedley Lamarr: Unfortunately there is one thing standing between me and that property: the rightful owners.
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Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?
Applicant: Rape, murder, arson, and rape.
Hedley Lamarr: You said rape twice.
Applicant: I like rape.
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Bart: Now, I suppose you're all wondering just what in the heck you're doing out here in the middle of a prairie in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night.
Crowd: You bet your ass.
Bart: I'm hip.
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Hedley Lamarr: My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening through a cosmic vapor of invention.
Taggart: Ditto.
Hedley Lamarr: "Ditto?" "Ditto," you provincial putz?
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Bart: What's your name?
Jim: Well, my name is Jim, but most people call me... Jim.
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[last lines]
Jim: Where you headed, cowboy?
Bart: Nowhere special.
Jim: Nowhere special; I always wanted to go there.
Bart: Come on.
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Taggart: I got it! I know how we can run everyone out of Rock Ridge.
Hedley Lamarr: How?
Taggart: We'll kill the first born male child in every household.
Hedley Lamarr: [after some consideration] Too Jewish.
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Taggart: What do you want me to do, sir?
Hedley Lamarr: I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the west. Take this down.
[Taggart looks for a pen and paper while Hedley talks]
Hedley Lamarr: I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists.
Taggart: [finding pen and paper] Could you repeat that, sir?
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Reporter: Sir, those are dummies.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: How do you think I got elected?
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Hedley Lamarr: Where's my froggy?
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Taggart: [shouting] We'll head them off at the pass!
Hedley Lamarr: Head them off at the pass? I hate that cliché.
[shoots his foot]
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Reverend Johnson: Order, order. Goddamnit, I said "order".
Howard Johnson: Y'know, Nietzsche says: "Out of chaos comes order."
Olson Johnson: Oh, blow it out your ass, Howard.
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Reverend Johnson: Now I don't have to tell you good folks what's been happening in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped . The time has come to act, and act fast. I'm leaving.
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Reverend Johnson: We will now read from Matthew, Mark, Luke...
[stick of dynamite sails in through window]
Reverend Johnson: ... and DUCK.
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Hedley Lamarr: Maybe I could turn this thing into my advantage... if I could find a sheriff who so offends the citizens of Rock Ridge that his very *appearance* would drive them out of town.
Hedley Lamarr: [looking into space in the direction of the camera, lost in thought] But where would I find such a man?
Hedley Lamarr: [into the camera, to the audience] ... Why am I asking you?
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Bart: [holding his own gun to his head] Nobody moves or the nigger gets it.
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Hedley Lamarr: [gives her a bunch of flowers] For you, my dear.
Lili Von Shtupp: Oh... how ordinawy.
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Governor William J. Le Petomane: Thank you, Hedy, thank you
Hedley Lamarr: It's not *Hedy*, it's *Hedley*. Hedley Lamarr.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: What the hell are you worried about? This is 1874. You'll be able to sue *her*.
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[Hedley arrives at Grauman's Chinese Theater]
Female tourist: [to her husband] Look, Irv. I'm in Hedy Lamarr's shoes.
Hedley Lamarr: [correcting her as he runs past them] HEDLEY.
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[after meeting black pioneers]
Indian Chief: Oy vey. They're darker than we are.
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Taggart: [learning Bart is the new sheriff of Rock Ridge] Now if that don't beat all. Here we take the good time and trouble to slaughter every last Indian in the West, and for what? So we can appoint a sheriff that's blacker than any Indian. I am depressed.
Lyle: Excuse me, Mr. Taggart, sir, but I sure do hate to see you like this. What if me and the boys was to shoot that nigger dead? Would that pep you up some?
Taggart: It might.
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Olson Johnson: All right, we'll give some land to the niggers and the chinks, but we DON'T WANT THE IRISH.
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Bart: Sir, he specifically requested two "niggers". Well, to tell the family secret, my grandmother was Dutch.
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[Harriet Johnson reads her letter to the Governor]
Harriet Johnson: [quietly] To the honorable William J. LePetomaine, Governor...
Townspeople: Louder! We can't hear you!
Harriet Johnson: I'm not used to public speaking.
[clears her throat]
Harriet Johnson: WE THE WHITE, GODFEARING CITIZENS OF ROCK RIDGE wish to express our extreme displeasure with your choice of sheriff. Please remove him immediately! The fact that you have sent him here just goes to prove that you are the leading asshole in the state!
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[Bart is bidding farewell to the people of Rock Ridge]
Bart: Work here is done. I'm needed elsewhere now. I'm needed wherever outlaws rule the West, wherever innocent women and children are afraid to walk the streets, wherever a man cannot live in simple dignity, wherever a people cry out for justice.
Crowd: [in unison] BULLSHIT!
Bart: All right, you caught me. Speaking the plain truth is getting pretty damn dull around here .
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Bart: [Mongo walks down the street past a mannequin-like, penny-arcade-style "gunslinger" - Bart's voice is distorted and seems to be coming from the penny-arcade machine] I'm the marshal in this here town, and you're nothin' but a big fat ferret.
[Mongo starts to pull his gun on the offending "marshal"]
Bart: Hold it! If you wanna draw on me, put a quarter in the machine.
[Mongo deposits a quarter in the appropriate slot]
Bart: Ready? Now draw on the count of three. One, two...
[Mongo is about to draw when the "marshal" falls away to reveal a cannon, which blasts Mongo in the face - we can now see that Bart has been throwing his voice with a bullhorn]
Bart: ... Three.
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Bart: [dressed up as a carnival barker, Bart stands before a big sign, in front of the Rock Ridge town well] Step right up, ladies and gentlemen... and Mongos! Dive, dive, dive, for buried treasure! This is the exact spot where the Spanish Armada was sunk by the British Navy, leaving millions and millions of Spanish Dubloons at the bottom of the sea!
Mongo: [excited] Spanish balloons?
Bart: Right on!
Mongo: Mongo take chance!
Mongo: [Bart has dressed Mongo up in an antique diving suit, complete with helmet and hose] Hey, how Mongo get air?
Bart: [pointing out for him] From this wonderful antique pump. Good hunting!
Bart: [Mongo has reached the bottom of the well and is looking around at...? Above, Bart lets the pump stop] Time for my lunch break.
[a sign is lowered for Mongo: "For more air, deposit 25 cents"]
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Lyle: How 'bout some more beans, Mr. Taggart?
Lyle: [fans his hat in the air] I'd say you've had enough!
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Lilly von Schtupp: Let's face it. Evewything below the waist... is kaput!
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Lyle: Now, come on, boys! Where's your spirit? I don't hear no singin'. When you was slaves, you sang like birds. Go on, how 'bout a good ol' nigger work song?
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Lyle: [railroad workers are singing "I Get A Kick Out of You"] Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! What the hell is that shit?
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Lili Von Shtupp: Why don't you admit it? He's too much of man for you. I know. You're going to need an army to beat him! You're finished. Fertig! Verfallen! Verlumpt! Verblunget! Verkackt!
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Charlie: Hey Bart, is it me or is the world rising?
Bart: I don't know, but whatever it is, I hate it.
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Governor William J. Le Petomane: Holy underwear! Sheriff murdered! Innocent women and children blown to bits! We have to protect our phoney baloney jobs here, gentlemen! We must do something about this immediately! Immediately! Immediately! Harrumph! Harrumph! Harrumph!
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Hedley Lamarr: Gentlemen, please rest your sphincters.
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Governor William J. Le Petomane: [whistles] Have you gone berserk! Can't you see that man is a ni...
Governor William J. Le Petomane: [turning and realizing he is talking to Bart rather than Hedley] Hahaha, wrong person.
[he goes back to pull aside Hedley instead]
Governor William J. Le Petomane: Have you gone berserk? Can't you see that man is a ni?
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Hedley Lamarr: Elementary, cactus head.
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Jim: I'd better sit up.
[struggles to straighten himself]
Bart: Need any help?
Jim: Oh... all I can get.
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Bart: Checkmate.
Jim: What?
Bart: Checkmate.
Jim: Why, you devious son of a bitch.
[picking up his whiskey bottle]
Jim: Happy days.
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Buddy Bizarre: Action! Oh, wait till I get out! Wait till I get out!
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Jim: [Bart comes in after spending the night with Lili Von Stupp] Oh deary dear. Look what the cat dragged in.
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Buddy Bizarre: [yells into the ear of an actor] WRONG!
[hits the actor in the head]
Buddy Bizarre: Watch me! It's so simple! Give me the playback! Watch me, faggots!
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Buddy Bizarre: Is everybody ready?
[the actors answer with a heavily lisping "yethhhh"]
Buddy Bizarre: Sounds like steam escaping.
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Jim: [to Bart] What's a dazzling urbanite like you doing in a rustic setting like this?
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Bart: Hey, Charlie. What is it that's not exactly water and it ain't exactly earth?
Bart, Charlie: QUICKSAND!
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Bart: Well, can't you see that's the last act of a desperate man?
Howard Johnson: We don't care if it's the first act of "Henry V," we're leaving!
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Hedley Lamarr: Alright, I'm through being Mr. Goodbar, the time has come to act and act quickly.
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Olson Johnson: [in the bar discussing Pastuer's possible cure] Never mind that shit! Here comes Mongo!
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[after Taggart comes crashing through the commissary with food splattered all over him]
Cashier: Yankee bean soup, coleslaw, and tuna surprise.
[rings up register]
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Governor William J. Le Petomane: We've gotta protect our phoney baloney jobs, gentlemen!
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Hedley Lamarr: [to Lili Von Stupp] Shut up, you Teutonic twat!
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Hedley Lamarr: [hurrying through the movie theater, he stops at the concession stand] Raisinettes!
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Hedley Lamarr: [cuts in line at the theater] You dropped your beads.
Hedley Lamarr: [to the cashier, holding up an old student ID for a discount] One please... Uhh... Student?
Cashier: Are you kidding?
Hedley Lamarr: Pain in the ASS...
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[as the townspeople point guns at Bart, the newly arrived sheriff]
Reverend Johnson: Gentlemen, gentlemen, allow not hatred to rule the day.
[holds up his Bible]
Reverend Johnson: As your spiritual leader, I implore you to pay heed to this good book and what it has to say!
[Townspeople shoot the Bible, blowing it apart]
Reverend Johnson: [to Bart] Son, you're on your own.
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Jim: Look at my hand.
[raises hand and holds it level]
Bart: Steady as a rock.
Jim: [raises his other hand, which is violently trembling] Yeah, but I shoot with this one.
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Olson Johnson: [trying to convince everyone to stay in Rock Ridge] What are we made of? Our fathers came across the prairies... fought Indians... fought drought, fought locusts, fought Dix... remember when Richard Dix tried to take over this town? Well we didn't give up then... and by gum, we're not gonna give up now!
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Governor William J. Le Petomane: [pointing to a member of his cabinet] I didn't get a "harrumph" out of that guy!
Hedley Lamarr: Give the Governor harrumph!
Politician: Harrumph!
Governor William J. Le Petomane: You watch your ass.
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[Lamarr's posse rides up on Bart's diversion: a single tollbooth in the middle of the desert]
Taggart: "LePetomaine Freeway"? Aw, what'll that asshole think of next?
[turns to the posse]
Taggart: Has anybody got a dime?
[henchmen grumble, search their pockets]
Taggart: Somebody's gotta go back and get a shitload of dimes!
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Reverend Johnson: [praying] O Lord, do we have the strength to carry off this mighty task in one night? Or are we just jerking off?
Townspeople: Amen.
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Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?
Bart: [disguised as a Klansman] Stampeding cattle.
Hedley Lamarr: That's not much of a crime.
Bart: Through the Vatican?
Hedley Lamarr: Kinky! Sign here.
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Hedley Lamarr: Wait a minute... there might be legal precedent. Of course! Land-snatching!
[grabs a law book]
Hedley Lamarr: Land, land... "Land: see Snatch."
[flips back several pages]
Hedley Lamarr: Ah, Haley vs. United States. Haley: 7, United States: nothing. You see, it can be done!
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Hedley Lamarr: Qualifications?
Gum Chewer: [chewing gum] Murder... armed robbery... mayhem...
Hedley Lamarr: Wait a moment. What have you got in your mouth?
Gum Chewer: [stops chewing] Nuff'm.
Hedley Lamarr: "Nuff'm", eh? Lyle!
Lyle: [searches the man's mouth] Gum!
Hedley Lamarr: Chewing gum on line, eh? I hope you brought enough for everybody.
Gum Chewer: [panicked] I didn't know there was going to be so many!
[Hedley shoots the gum chewer]
Jim: [hidden behind a rock] Boy, is he strict!
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Governor William J. Le Petomane: What the hell is this?
Hedley Lamarr: This is the bill that will convert the state hospital for the insane into the William J. Le Petomane memorial gambling casino for the insane.
Governor William J. Le Petomane: [Standing up proudly] Gentlemen, this bill will be a giant step forward in the treatment of the insane gambler.
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